why the secret heart

"Write," He whispered to my heart.

Lord, after all these years?
Nearly five years of silence...the rebellion, the running, the retreating.
So many places I have failed, so many things I have run from and numbed. I released all You gave me....at first, possibly for the best things You gave me, thinking it was at Your leading. Was it?

Possibly...out of fear of more being demanded on me even further, being in over my head and realizing my own limitations. Failing to rest in You. Maybe I did exactly as You led me to...maybe I didn't. Either way, the path grew darker, thicker, deeper than I ever imagined. And still I kept walking, never pausing to seek Your direction, thinking at that point I had seen the map I knew the directions by heart...then I realized one day I no longer even cared....


"Write" came the whisper.

But I no longer cared. I walked so far down into the darkness. Others will never think I am qualified. I failed.

"Were you ever 'qualified'? Who does the qualifying?"

hmm...
oh what pride... to think that at any point I had been qualified, prepared, able....never was. Truth began to stir in a place long quieted. A small rustling...


Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to Your abundant mercy, blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! (Psalm 51:1-2)

O God, when You come to cleanse, You do it with thoroughness....You reach into every long forgotten space where grace has been cluttered out, where cobwebs have accumulated. Every place ignored and pushed to the recesses, hoping to be forgotten. But they aren't. They become places where we are uncovered. Places of weakness. Places of vulnerability before the enemy. Places of torture. Until I just cry out from under the dark place...

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
Against You and You only have I sinned and done what is so evil in Your sight. (v 3-4)

Your pure eyes saw my sin, yet all the more do Your eyes continually see the wickedness planted in my heart already. You miss nothing. Why do I think You would miss my heart, my motives, my jealousy, my fear, my anxieties....You don't miss a single thing. Not only do You not miss a thing, You are willing to use everything. Every place of pain can be a place of healing. Every place of failure, a compassion. Every darkness, a place of intimacy.


"Trust Me and write"

It's how You made me...to put words to paper. To appreciate the written word. To meditate not on sounds and sights as much as on words. You captured my heart, this wretched heart, with Your very Word. Oh grace. Such grace.
It is who I am and where I can find You...in the Word, in the words. Sorting through the clutter of words, I find Truth, grace and intimacy with the One who called to walk on this sea of words with Him.


Behold, You delight in truth in the inward being, and You teach me wisdom in the secret heart. (v 6)

The Secret Heart.
The place no one sees or even understands, if they could see. The place where the wrestling happens.
The place where seeds sink into the dirt and are soaked, swollen and bring life from their death. The dark heart. The secret place. Underground. Private whisperings between You and me.
Right there, You delight in truth. You teach me wisdom.
So here. The secret heart. I will obey. I will write, Lord, and delight in truth here as You teach me wisdom. Your wisdom. Your good, delightful path back into the sunlight.

a willing spirit

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. 
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways and sinners will return to You. (Psalm 51:12-13)

When the want-to returns, the trembling comes with it.
I know the call well. I loved it so. But now...
A bit harder to walk forward as bold- as prideful- now that I know how very far one can fall. How very far I can fall. But Your call is irrevocable. Isn't it?

So the call remains.
The gifting is the same.

When You restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a fresh want-to, then I teach transgressors, like me, Your ways. Not because I walk so well in them. On the contrary. Because I know how very near the ditch can be and how very slick it's edge is.

HEY, COME AWAY FROM THERE! LOOK! THAT'S A DITCH!

That's it...just pointing out where the ditch is and how to keep from it.
Same thing I, myself, am learning, even still. Oh, even still.

Sacrificing to You my broken spirit, my broken and contrite heart. I have nothing to offer but that Lord. A messed up want-to, a broken sinful heart, neediness, insecurity, emptiness...but You are the Filler. The One who comes to fully fill every place. To change the want-to. To restore the joy. To make a spirit willing again.

You make the weak offering, the broken heart and the messed up want-to into a beautiful offering, a valuable sacrifice and a useful tool in the hands of the Master.

The gifting didn't change, the call hasn't been revoked, so is the servant heart willing?

Uphold me with a willing spirit.